Abandonment

The previous post of wanting "Everything" leads me into this next post. This is something that I've been wanting to put down on paper for a long long time, I just haven't taken the time.

Now that I've been at this diet/exercise thing since March, I've been thinking a lot about what makes me over eat. They say it is deeper than just liking food. I really don't know if I agree with that or not. I mean, I like food, I like the taste, I like trying new tastes and the sweets, I love sweets. Do I think it has something to do with an underlying issue? Not really, but after this post, I may differ my opinion.

So, here goes, time to put it all out there. I really hope the people that need to read this, read it as that is what I need to find closure. I'll of course have to point it out to them and hope it gets through.

I was adopted when I was about 7 years old. From what I understand, My BM (Biological Mother) lived near/with my parents from the time I was a toddler until the time she decided to leave. I don't have much memory of her, but I do remember that she made me an awful dress that really itched (see, genetics really do play a part in a person - she sews and so do I and it is a natural kind of talent - yikes). I also remember that my BF's (Biological Father)mother would come and pick me up and I would hide under the bed because I didn't want to go with her. I didn't like her much for whatever reason. I have no memory of BF at all. None, whatsoever. I do remember the day I went to court with my parents and they asked if I wanted to live with my parents and I said yes. Who wouldn't remember that day?

Now, on to the abandonment issue. From what I was told, my BM remarried a man (the reason for the itchy dress, no wonder I hated it)who worked/lived on a fishing boat and BM wanted to be with said man instead of said daughter, so the reason she left was for a man. This is where I have a huge problem. I have 6 kids and there is no man on God's green earth that I would ever leave my children for. I have long ago gotten over the fact that I was adopted and that BM left me with my parents for a life at sea. God works in mysterious ways and she has paid her dues for this. This isn't where my issue lies.

My issue is with the fact that I've given her a chance to be a part of my life and of my children's lives and while she has visited before, what I can give her isn't enough for her. Why should I even give her anything? I didn't go and visit her and meet her parents when they were alive. Why would I? I don't know these people, they mean/meant nothing to me. She just wanted to jump in and be a Mom after I was a grown adult and had children. Sorry, doesn't work that way. What bothers me more is that sometimes she acknowledges me and other times she doesn't. Now, I could probably reach out more to her, but I find it difficult when she starts to talk about the man she left her daughter for. We probably have a lot in common, like the fact that we both have the same stationary. We both sew. She likes the outdoors and I hate it, so there we differ, but she has no idea what she is missing out on by not getting to know her own grandchildren. Obviously this isn't important to her and she doesn't care.

So, enough about BM, now I'll tell you about BF. I never heard much about BF, never even saw pics or had any idea of who he was or where he lived. When I turned 18, BF contacted me and told me he wasn't allowed to have contact until I was an adult. For some reason I gave him a little more of myself that I have to BM. Must have something to do with that whole Mother cub instinct. So, BM and I have casual contact here and there and then when he and his new wife make a trip to DC, they come and visit me and family in VA. I was preg with Bridget then and we all went to dinner. We had a nice visit and he should have been very proud at how I turned out. 3 kids, one on the way, a nice house, decent enough husband and a pretty good life. So, we have emails back and forth etc and I send xmas cards etc. One time in over 30 years, I call him because I'm having some issues with my marriage. This was the only time I ever ever reached out for some guidance and help from either one of these people. I never asked for anything, ever. What did I get?

I got the door slammed in my face and have never heard from this man again. How's that for rejection? This is what is so difficult for me to stomach. I've continued to send xmas cards and have never received on in return. I've read his daughter's blog to just find out if everything was ok and it appears it is, so, what did I do to deserve the door being slammed in my face? I offered up myself and my children and allowed this person to get to know us and I never ever asked for this, remember, he contacted me.

I've given both of these people a 2nd chance to be in my life and both of them slammed the door in my face, this is what I find the hardest to deal with.

So, is this what has led to my issue with food? I still don't think so.